I've been stuck in a rut for a long while now. But only recently has it truly affected my day to day life. I have not been really inclined to write anything for a long time now because I have been busy. Truly and honestly, I have had a really busy year. Alex and I got engaged, bought a house, I got a new job and we even tied the knot. Truly this year has been one for the books, and I have not really had the time or desire to sit down and write about any of it. I was thinking that I would have so much to talk about regarding all the things that happened this year, but every time I sit down to actually write, I can never get the words out.
I start something, then immediately get stuck. Quite frankly, it is annoying and if you were to look at the back end of this blog, you would see many "drafts" ones I've started that have different titles but no resolution. I begin and stop just as quickly as I start.
I think the initial post of this one will help me catch up to my mind. I hope it will help me get whatever blockage I have inside my mind out into the universe so I can start writing again. Now I say writing like I am some great, unique soul that has some words of wisdom to spew out. But I know, as well as whomever is reading this, I am no great poet. I am not some fancy writer educated to preach to the masses. But, I can say this little thing I have put out there has shed some light into my thoughts, my life.
Of all the positive things happening in my life I cant help but be sad and overwhelmed about everything. I dont know if this is some sort of depression, but it seems crazy to think that it is because when I am with the people I love, the negative thoughts slip away. However, when I am alone, or sitting at work, I realize that I feel alone and overwhelmed. I cant say quite sure, but I think it is the joy that life usually intertwines into our soul that has just some how drifted. It has just up and left town on some extravagant vacation, posting pictures of the great experiences that you are some how left out of.
Obviously this is metaphorical, but I think you understand my point. The joy has gone and the sadness and sorrow set in like the winter season. It comes and it goes, but it truly never leaves. That is because it remains hidden in your thoughts, reminding you ever so often that it still exists somewhere. You go through the ups and downs and only really remembering the aspects that are important to you. Only then when you start to feel the tinge of "winter" your downs start to make their way back into your universe.
I can only imagine how it feels to be on the down tick of your emotions and thoughts frequently and long periods of time. The highs and lows of emotions always surprising you, not knowing if it will be a good day or bad. I know for myself, that this phase happens to me once or twice a year. This phase is exactly that, a phase. For me, the bad comes, then it quickly dissipates into the back of my mind for its second coming. But for most, this change in season happens all the time. It comes without warning when you are least prepared. To combat this feeling they hide in their shells until it is weak enough to chance the outside. The purpose they once had, is no longer in their heart. They just continue to move about their day, doing anything to stay above water.
When I begin to feel this way, I know that I start questioning my reason...my purpose. this morning I ran through a scenario in my head where I casually mention something to my superior about a change in job. I of course, had the whole conversation going in my head. I explained my feelings, the aspirations I had and my purpose within the company. I had it all planned out but as soon as I got here, gone. The feelings of doubt, and anxiety kicked in. Leaving the entire conversation in my mind where it will stay. Why is it that when we are speaking to our loved ones the sentences roll off our tongue? They seem to be some emotional plight that we are adamant to serve for ourselves. Why can we have the hard conversations in the confines of our homes, but in public we can hardly spit out simple sentences?
I think this has a lot to do with the fact that in our minds the perfect conversation exists. The responses we plan on, the comebacks, the control, everything. But in real life there is no control. We cant anticipate what the other will say so we can't thoughtfully respond. The lack of control in any setting would scare someone half to death. The fact that we can talk with ourselves, or a confidant allows us to say the things we want to, giving us opportunity to make the silly comments or mistakes. Giving us the chance to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable now in society like a being infected with HIV in the early 80s. We didnt know exactly where it cam from, but we knew that it was bad. It was killing people that didnt fit into social norms. We later learn the technicalities of the disease and how we can eradicate it. So if we can find the way to heal the sick, but can't find a way to allow ourselves to be vulnerable we have some major sociological problems.
We look at vulnerability as an unknown. We cant figure out why we dont like it, but we just know that we dont. A lot of the feeling of being vulnerable is associated with shame. Why though? Why do we allow ourselves to feel ashamed because we open up? Is it because we might be hurt, or ridiculed? Or is it more so because deep down we can tie it to a feeling of our childhood where we once were fearless, and something turned on us like a switch. Being vulnerable is alright, being scared is alright.
You dont have to be a scientist or physician to figure out that these feelings of being vulnerable and being authentic are all intertwined. You want to be true to yourself, open up to others, but the fear of being called out prevent you for opening up. What you dont know is that if you keep this inside it eventually eats at you. It eats at your heart and at your mind. What most dont know is the act of letting go and thought of not wanting to be vulnerable are emotionally stunting your ability to love yourself and others.
The thoughts and actions begin to intermingle with one another and they soon become a mess inside you. The thoughts that were once seasonal in nature, have become a predominant figure that you now cant seem to get rid of. This might seem like rambling, and truly it is. The things that have been running in my mind have been slowly but surly take hold of every function of my life. I am learning to let go, and be authentic with myself and others. What woks for me may not work for others. For me writing and meditating even for a little while help declutter my mind. The act of purging my thoughts onto this blog really help me to be authentic. This is me being vulnerable, this is me being authentically true to myself. I write these and most of the time never go back to read them. Why? Because I want this to be the true ramblings of my thoughts. I want to embrace the misspellings and bad punctuation. This is who I am and I am ok with it.
Still I cant help but get into these seasons. The ones that make it hard to get out of bed and face the others. But the least I can do is try to open up and allow for my feelings to be validated and real. The only way to help encourage someone to get out of their season is to help them discover their true, authentic self. This my friends is my way of changing my seasons.
Until next time my friends.
XO
Lyndsey
I start something, then immediately get stuck. Quite frankly, it is annoying and if you were to look at the back end of this blog, you would see many "drafts" ones I've started that have different titles but no resolution. I begin and stop just as quickly as I start.
I think the initial post of this one will help me catch up to my mind. I hope it will help me get whatever blockage I have inside my mind out into the universe so I can start writing again. Now I say writing like I am some great, unique soul that has some words of wisdom to spew out. But I know, as well as whomever is reading this, I am no great poet. I am not some fancy writer educated to preach to the masses. But, I can say this little thing I have put out there has shed some light into my thoughts, my life.
Of all the positive things happening in my life I cant help but be sad and overwhelmed about everything. I dont know if this is some sort of depression, but it seems crazy to think that it is because when I am with the people I love, the negative thoughts slip away. However, when I am alone, or sitting at work, I realize that I feel alone and overwhelmed. I cant say quite sure, but I think it is the joy that life usually intertwines into our soul that has just some how drifted. It has just up and left town on some extravagant vacation, posting pictures of the great experiences that you are some how left out of.
Obviously this is metaphorical, but I think you understand my point. The joy has gone and the sadness and sorrow set in like the winter season. It comes and it goes, but it truly never leaves. That is because it remains hidden in your thoughts, reminding you ever so often that it still exists somewhere. You go through the ups and downs and only really remembering the aspects that are important to you. Only then when you start to feel the tinge of "winter" your downs start to make their way back into your universe.
I can only imagine how it feels to be on the down tick of your emotions and thoughts frequently and long periods of time. The highs and lows of emotions always surprising you, not knowing if it will be a good day or bad. I know for myself, that this phase happens to me once or twice a year. This phase is exactly that, a phase. For me, the bad comes, then it quickly dissipates into the back of my mind for its second coming. But for most, this change in season happens all the time. It comes without warning when you are least prepared. To combat this feeling they hide in their shells until it is weak enough to chance the outside. The purpose they once had, is no longer in their heart. They just continue to move about their day, doing anything to stay above water.
When I begin to feel this way, I know that I start questioning my reason...my purpose. this morning I ran through a scenario in my head where I casually mention something to my superior about a change in job. I of course, had the whole conversation going in my head. I explained my feelings, the aspirations I had and my purpose within the company. I had it all planned out but as soon as I got here, gone. The feelings of doubt, and anxiety kicked in. Leaving the entire conversation in my mind where it will stay. Why is it that when we are speaking to our loved ones the sentences roll off our tongue? They seem to be some emotional plight that we are adamant to serve for ourselves. Why can we have the hard conversations in the confines of our homes, but in public we can hardly spit out simple sentences?
I think this has a lot to do with the fact that in our minds the perfect conversation exists. The responses we plan on, the comebacks, the control, everything. But in real life there is no control. We cant anticipate what the other will say so we can't thoughtfully respond. The lack of control in any setting would scare someone half to death. The fact that we can talk with ourselves, or a confidant allows us to say the things we want to, giving us opportunity to make the silly comments or mistakes. Giving us the chance to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable now in society like a being infected with HIV in the early 80s. We didnt know exactly where it cam from, but we knew that it was bad. It was killing people that didnt fit into social norms. We later learn the technicalities of the disease and how we can eradicate it. So if we can find the way to heal the sick, but can't find a way to allow ourselves to be vulnerable we have some major sociological problems.
We look at vulnerability as an unknown. We cant figure out why we dont like it, but we just know that we dont. A lot of the feeling of being vulnerable is associated with shame. Why though? Why do we allow ourselves to feel ashamed because we open up? Is it because we might be hurt, or ridiculed? Or is it more so because deep down we can tie it to a feeling of our childhood where we once were fearless, and something turned on us like a switch. Being vulnerable is alright, being scared is alright.
You dont have to be a scientist or physician to figure out that these feelings of being vulnerable and being authentic are all intertwined. You want to be true to yourself, open up to others, but the fear of being called out prevent you for opening up. What you dont know is that if you keep this inside it eventually eats at you. It eats at your heart and at your mind. What most dont know is the act of letting go and thought of not wanting to be vulnerable are emotionally stunting your ability to love yourself and others.
The thoughts and actions begin to intermingle with one another and they soon become a mess inside you. The thoughts that were once seasonal in nature, have become a predominant figure that you now cant seem to get rid of. This might seem like rambling, and truly it is. The things that have been running in my mind have been slowly but surly take hold of every function of my life. I am learning to let go, and be authentic with myself and others. What woks for me may not work for others. For me writing and meditating even for a little while help declutter my mind. The act of purging my thoughts onto this blog really help me to be authentic. This is me being vulnerable, this is me being authentically true to myself. I write these and most of the time never go back to read them. Why? Because I want this to be the true ramblings of my thoughts. I want to embrace the misspellings and bad punctuation. This is who I am and I am ok with it.
Still I cant help but get into these seasons. The ones that make it hard to get out of bed and face the others. But the least I can do is try to open up and allow for my feelings to be validated and real. The only way to help encourage someone to get out of their season is to help them discover their true, authentic self. This my friends is my way of changing my seasons.
Until next time my friends.
XO
Lyndsey
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